Important Takeaways From Popular Christmas Songs

My friend Bird Cox got this fun/ny list posted on McSweeny’s! I have such cool friends.

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“BABY, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE”

Freezing temperatures are optimal circumstances for holding the object of your desire captive in your home.

“FROSTY THE SNOWMAN”

No amount of magic can prevent your dearly beloved friends from dying.

“O CHRISTMAS TREE”

Coniferous trees retain their green color throughout the year.

“RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER”

Physical incongruities can only be reconciled by making yourself indispensable to your superiors.

“I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS”

The hallucinatory experience of family and friends is a valid replacement for actual family and friends.

“SANTA BABY”

Refraining from social and romantic enjoyment throughout the year entitles you to material compensation equivalent to approximately $1.6 billion.

“THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”

Human and animal trafficking are recommended for gift purposes during a twelve-day period of each year.

“I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS”

Children should not report witnessing acts of adultery.

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